Boredom

These days I feel boredom and contradiction invaded my life and my mind.

I think about everything... my past.. my future.. how I got married.. how will I die.. why am I working with no ambition?!

I think about my future babies.. the death of the people I love most and then wish to die first!!
I think sometimes about divorce just because I don't deserve to be married to someone way too much better than I am.. then cry coz I believe it might be a choice for someone who's not in love that much.

I think how I wasted my years upon people who don't deserve my care.. and wasted other years not getting to know and understand people who turned out to be so amazing!

I think about how boring can I get when my mind is not occupied and how boring people become when they're so (the same) in everything everyday and barely nothing changes.

I think about how I want to dye my hair in deep red and have a new short (katie Holmes) hair cut and then convince myself that I've changed.

I think about the so many days I didn't cook or clean the house or take care of Ali and then curse myself coz he's the only man who deserves to be taken good care of.

I feel contardiction about my thoughts...in every aspect.. I want to stay at my work yet want to leave.. I want babies so bad yet can't stand the noise and cries of kids.. I want to run on the beach with my hair flying loose yet I know I'll never do it as long as I live.

I hate the continous pain in my back.. yet sometimes love it when it makes people care.. and then hate it again coz I think sympathy is absurd and i don't like acting pathetic.
I hate it when I'm so damn eager to buy something new that I saw and loved and then when I get it.. it becomes so ordinary... and that's why I sometimes love being deprived of objects that i love so that I have to feel the torture of craving for them.

I think I was just bored somehow and had to pour out those words... so think they're a total waste and dumb.. I don't care.. I just felt I need to type it down and then exhale... wooooph.